Reproduced with the permission of Exodus International

It was the spring of 1984. I stood at my office window, gazing out at the bleak sunless morning. A familiar cloud of depression descended upon me, the same feeling I'd had many times in recent months. 

I've wanted so long to be free, I thought, my eyes filling with tears. But I'm as empty as ever. Is death the only way out? 

I thought back on my childhood. My parents separated when I was four, due to Dad's excessive drinking. Their divorce came four years later. As a result, I felt inferior around my peers. They all had two parents and "normal" families, while I lived with my mother and two older sisters. 

With no father, I lacked a role model for my masculine development. I began feeling very inadequate in relating to other boys. From about age five, I remember being interested in the male body. As I reached puberty, these attractions increased. 

During high school and college, I didn't know anyone else with these struggles, and I never acted on my same-sex desires. I would have killed myself if anyone had even suspected this hidden side of my life. 

I felt some attraction to women, and fell in love with a classmate whom I married. After nine months, however, my wife was killed in a car accident. She died without ever knowing about my secret battle. 

Two other close relatives died over the next three years. I started wishing that I could die, too. Maybe I'll be next, I told myself. Then I won't have to live with this horrible struggle anymore. 

The happiest time of my life occurred after I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1974. Growing up in a legalistic denomination, I had thought that if you lived right, you were automatically a Christian. Then several of my friends joined the Jesus People movement, and started talking about Jesus Christ all the time. One night alone in my apartment, I prayed a simple prayer: "Lord, if I don't know You yet, I really want to. I want a better life. I want help." 

My life started changing after that prayer. I quit swearing and smoking marijuana. As I read the Bible, I experienced a deep joy. For the first time in my life, I knew God really loved me. My homosexual struggles subsided, and finally I felt some of the freedom which I desperately wanted. This healing process continued for several years. 

During this time, I started attending evening classes at a nearby Bible college. One night another student named Beth shared her testimony, and the Lord spoke to my heart: "You're going to marry her." Beth and I knew each other casually, but our relationship quickly deepened after that night. We were married four months later. 

I was a husband again, and my homosexual feelings decreased a lot. But the roots of my struggle were still unresolved. Then I started going through typical mid-life feelings, especially after two job changes. At age 35, I saw my body getting older and began fantasizing about sex with younger men. 

I became strongly attracted to a business associate, and we began spending time together almost every evening. Our relationship turned into an Emotional Dependency, then became sexual. Soon I was ready to leave my wife, my job and my God for this man. I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong, but I had no strength to stop it. 

My guilt turned to depression. I knew my marriage was falling apart. The more time I spent with my friend, the less I wanted to be with Beth. One night she received an anonymous phone call. "Your husband is seeing someone else," the person said, then hung up. 

Later Beth confronted me, but I denied everything. "I'm just working late," I lied, my stomach churning. I was consumed with frustration. My once-happy marriage was now a roadblock to my raging desires for the gay world. 

Looking out the window that bleak spring day in 1984, I realized that the very thing which I had craved all those years had let me down. Finally I'm in love with another man, I told myself, and I wish I were dead! 

Then came a phone call that changed my life. Julie, the wife of a former pastor, telephoned me from Boston. Knowing I was depressed, she had prayed diligently for me. Through the Holy Spirit, God revealed to her specific details of my struggles. 

"I have two words for you," she told me. "Homosexuality--and suicide." 

"You're right," I admitted, feeling a huge relief that my hidden sins were finally coming out into the open. Julie let me know that, no matter what happened, she still loved me. "I'll always be here for you," she said. 

After I hung up the phone, Beth walked into the room. "Do you want to tell me what that was all about?" she asked. 

"Well, you know we have just a shell of a marriage," I began. "It's a weak relationship, not even a friendship..." Then I uttered two simple words that had been locked inside me for years: "I'm gay." 

I told Beth what I'd been going through, and the next evening we had a long talk. "Do you love me?" she asked. "Do you love him more than me? If you want him, then go. If you don't, I'm here to work this through with you." As she spoke, I realized that my great fear of rejection was unfounded. My deepest secret was coming out, and the people closest to me were responding in love. 

Immediately God began intervening in my life. I had to face my friend almost every day at work, but then a job offer came from Oklahoma city, 150 miles south. Both my wife and I felt the separation and new surroundings would be ideal. We put our house on the market, and I moved to Oklahoma. 

After I'd been at my new job for six months, I went on vacation with my family. At a friend's house, I found the testimony of a former homosexual, Sy Rogers. I locked myself in the bathroom and read the tract three times! After vacation, I wrote to Sy. He wrote back a beautiful letter, giving me some scriptures and encouragement. We started writing back and forth, and he told me about The First Stone, a local ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City. 

Several months later, I went for a one-on-one session with a counselor, and knew immediately that this ministry was for me. I felt such love, acceptance and understanding, which I desperately needed. 

I learned about the vital importance of a moment-by-moment relationship with Jesus, which would bring peace and joy to my life. God showed me that I needed to know Him intimately--not just intellectually. I realized that, in the years since I'd become a Christian, I had learned a lot about God, but I didn't really know Him. I knew about homosexual abstinence, but not about healing from homosexuality. 

God showed me that nothing would come upon me that I couldn't handle, that He would provide a way out (see 1 Cor. 10:13). Homosexual temptations would come, that was certain. But, when they came, I could learn from them; God would use even temptation for my good. 

I also learned how to control my lustful thoughts, by submitting them to Jesus through prayer. When my eyes wandered, I would stop and begin making right choices, not allowing my emotions to go wild with lust. Slowly I learned the meaning of "taking up your cross" and following Jesus (Matt. 16:24), denying the old desires of my flesh. Sometimes I didn't want to obey Christ. I fell into old habits, but I got up and kept going. 

After a year-and-a-half, our house in Kansas was still unsold. I received another job offer back in Wichita, and the apartment where I was living in Oklahoma became unavailable. 

God gave me a strong impression: "Go back to Wichita and begin a ministry to homosexuals." By the end of December 1986, I was back home in Kansas. Four months later, our first group meeting occurred--and we have been going strong ever since. 

My own healing continues. God has brought me to the point where I no longer see myself as "gay." Although I experience homosexual desires from time to time, they don't control me. Now I look forward to each day with joyful anticipation, not with a tight emotional knot down inside. After years of struggle, I'm walking in His freedom--at last. 

Additional Information:

Copyright 1992, 2000 by Michael Babb (Freedom At Last, PO Box 13314, Wichita, KS 67213) Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Exodus is a nonprofit, interdenominational Christian organization promoting the message of Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ. Since 1976, Exodus has grown to include over 120 local ministries in the USA and Canada. We are also linked with other Exodus world regions outside of North America, totaling over 150 ministries in 17 countries. Within both the Christian and secular communities, Exodus has challenged those who respond to homosexuals with ignorance and fear, and those who uphold homosexuality as a valid orientation. These extremes fail to convey the fullness of redemption found in Jesus Christ, a gift which is available to all who commit their life and their sexuality to Him. Exodus is the largest Christian referral and information network dealing with homosexual issues in the world. A list of current qualified member ministries is available on their website http://exodus.to/