A
Mother's Story of Change
by Cherrie Rowe
Exodus Global Alliance
As
a toddler, Jennifer loved books, but I pushed
for dolls. She loved wearing pants, I argued
for the dresses. I loved fairy tales, but
she loved the encyclopedias and National
Geographic. Jennifer was artistic and gifted.
I was the school drop out with disabilities
and a testimony that read much like the
"woman at the well."
We were so opposite, and yet more alike
than we could see. We were both led by our
emotions, which took us on the rollercoaster
ride of our lives.
I had no idea that I was so full of fear,
guilt and shame as a result of childhood
abuse. I thought that had already been dealtwith.
But I'm sad to say that even a commitment
to Christ did not keep those emotions from
raging and holding me hostage. Not surprisingly,
my daughter followed the same pattern.Jennifer
received Jesus as Savior at a young age,
and had a personal love relationship with
Him for many years.
However in her second year of college, at
the innocent age of nineteen, she came home
and made the devastating announcement that
she had entered the gay lifestyle. Life
as we knew it would no longer be the same.
At this point in telling my story, I could
easily fall into the ";if onlys"
- if only I had done this, if only I hadn't
done that. However, I have made the decision
to walk in victory, not inthe regrets of
the past. I discovered in recent years that
to walk in the freedom that Christ has for
me, my focus must be on Him and not on my
daughter or me.
That is not to say that the Lord hasn't
required me to take a long, painful look
back on my parenting skills. In reflection,
I had wonderful "Martha" qualities
- not as in Martha Stewart, but as in the
"Busy Martha" of the Bible. This
meant positives like cooking and baking;
attending all PTA meetings, sporting events,
band concerts, and most school activities.
I wanted to do all the "motherly"
things that hadn't been done for me. We
were great at attending Sunday school, church
and even attended several Bill Gothard seminars.
I was absolutely driven to do things right,
and not repeat the sins of neglect or abuse
onto another generation.
My greatest failure however was not listening,
really listening, to my daughter. I knew
so little about nurturing, and practically
nothing about connection or communication.
My way of parenting was to talk "at
her," not "to her." It wasn't
long before all I could hear was my own
voice. I now know that I was so needy myself,
I had little left over for anyone else.
That is why Jesus has encouraged me to slow
down and listen to Him; to put Him first.
Finally, I am fully committed to doing just
that.
As for Jennifer, it has been thirteen years
now since her startling announcement. The
lesbian community very early on became her
mentors,friends and new "family."
Her wardrobe no longer resembled that of
a young woman, and her shoulder length hair
was razor cut to a one-half inch length.
I became numb and speechless which proved
to be a blessing as I was just too shocked
to reject her! But I did eventually reject
someone else - someone closer to me than
my own family. I rejected God.
I just couldn't understand why He had allowed
this to happen! I felt that my Heavenly
Father had betrayed me, just as my earthly
father had done so many years ago. I was
desperately heartbroken as I watched my
precious daughter sink deeper into deception
and farther away from me and the Lord. My
prayers seemed at the time to fall on deaf
ears. Depression, embarrassment and despair
became my constant companions.
Thoughts of suicide resurfaced as the shame
and guilt overwhelmed me. A numbness and
comatose state of mind soon followed. I
saw Jennifer as a victim, seduced by the
enemy of her soul. I saw myself as a rejected
failure, leading me again to follow my deadly
emotions and victim mentality, which won
out over God and His Word.
I'm sorry to say, I could not even begin
to see the pain and struggles in my daughter's
life as I was too consumed with how her
choices were affecting me and our family.
I felt that even Jennifer's homosexuality
was all about me, and it took years of wandering
in the wilderness to finally recognize that.
I am so grateful to say that over the past
few years, the Lord has been patient and
merciful in restoring me to spiritual health
and wholeness. He's shown me how to take
responsibility for contributing to Jennifer's
pain and struggles without assuming blame
for her wrong choices. I have asked for
and received her forgiveness, and we are
continuing togrow in our relationship. My
most fervent prayer is that she returns
to the Lord; I trust God to take care of
the rest.
The Lord blesses me daily with increasingly
more hope and faith for Jennifer';s restoration,
even after thirteen years! It has taken
me far too long to realize that He is faithful
and worthy of my trust. I now know that
I was every bit as deceived as I believe
my daughter to be, and that onlythe Truth
can set us both free!
I remember in a conversation with Jennifer,
I told her how her entry into the gay lifestyle
had been the worst thing that had ever happened
to me, but that it was also the best. It
shocked me into a reality and awareness
of the brokenness in myself as well as in
others. God was then able to reveal His
heart to me to show me that those struggling
with homosexuality had not asked for their
rejection and damaged emotions, anymore
than I had asked for mine.
I have since gone from asking Him to change
"her;" to pleading that He change
"me." Thankfully, my belief system,
that it is my "job and duty" to
love my daughter has now changed to believing
that it is my God given "privilege."
His grace has allowed me to embrace both
Jennifer and her sweet partner with a genuine
love that I never would have thought possible.
But of course we knowthat with God "All
Things Are Possible!"
Through the ministry of Exodus, and by attending
the last two Annual freedom Conferences,
I have been blessed to meet many precious
men and women who have been miraculously
transformed by the Power of our Almighty
God. I can say without a doubt that I see
more of Jesus in some of them than I have
ever witnessed anywhere else.I have also
had the opportunity to sit and talk with
many new friends who still struggle with
same sex attractions. I have had the privilege
of hearing their hearts and heart breaking
stories.I do confess that seeing their demonstrations
of affection to one another is sometimes
difficult, but God's amazing grace allows
me to accept them and love them without
approving of their lifestyle.
I am so aware of how I might have been swayed
by the tides of emotion in favor of these
same sex relationships, had I not been rooted
and grounded in the infallible Word of God.
Most importantly I now see that Jesus came
to our world, not to condemn but to save
and show us the love of His Father. I have
such a passion to do the same and to see
God glorified on my journey.
Cherrie
serves at Exodus as a volunteer in their
office and as well is a huge support to
our ministry at the Freedom Conferences.
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