Presence Based Parenting

Warwick Marsh
Fatherhood Foundation Newsletter - July 2010

Life is a journey. So is being a Dad. I know so much more now than I did when my children were young but I am still learning.

People often say, "How did you raise such great children?" My wife and I look at each other with a look of amazement because we both know the many mistakes we made as parents. We reply quite seriously that our children make us look good. We are not kidding. It's true and we are glad for it.

As I continue on in my parenting and fathering journey, I keep trying to figure out exactly what we did do right and how we can possibly explain it.

The one phrase I keep coming up with is 'Presence Based Parenting'. What is presence based parenting and how do you do it?

The simple answer is that you just 'do'. It's a bit like the Hebrew description of God in the Old Testament. His name is 'Yahweh', which literally means 'I am that I am'. When Pharaoh had all those Hebrew slaves and Moses was asked by God to free them, Moses was pretty scared and asked God a very legitimate question, "Who shall I say sent me?" God answered the question, "Tell Pharaoh that 'I AM' sent you!"

When my boys were young and interested in skateboards I dusted off my old timber laminate and started to practice my moves. I could never perfect an 'ollie' but that didn't stop me trying because I wanted to be in the moment with my children. Skateboarding is what they were interested in so I decided to 'do' it too.

Several years later, whenever we would tour our nation as a musical family, we made a habit of visiting skate parks all across Australia in between gigs. The reason remained the same. My boys were interested in skate parks through their teenage years and so I developed an interest too because I wanted to be in the moment with them. I can remember watching endless skating videos and being astounded at the ability of modern skaters, but more importantly, I was practising being in the presence of my children and connecting my 'I am' to their 'I am'. The same applied to music, break-dancing, soccer etc.

My children are mostly grown up now. They don't ride skateboards much anymore, but I still enjoy being in their presence and sharing the 'I am' experiences.

At our Family Dinners on Monday nights the conversation flows thick and fast. Around the table we have 5 children, two daughter-in-laws and two grandchildren. We all hate to miss it and complain if it is not on.

Why do our children want to come home? Two are married and surely have better things to do, but they insist on being there Monday nights. I believe they come because over the years my wife and I have practised 'Presence Based Parenting'. At Family Dinners I often struggle to get a word in edgeways, but it really doesn't matter because I am with them and they are with me. Nothing else matters.

Recently I was reading an email from Kelly Wendorf, editor of 'Kindred Magazine', a new age parenting magazine. I first met Kelly on the beach at Byron Bay, not long after she started her magazine, then called 'Byron Child'. The email she wrote explained how she was closing down her magazine because of the lack of financial support for her important work. We certainly know that feeling well at Dads4Kids! Such are the vagaries of life, but towards the end of her email to her readers she said something incredibly profound. Kelly's word burned deep, "Thank you for your presence in my life. Our unharried, undistracted, fully incarnated presence is the greatest of gifts we ever bestow upon our children, our family, on one another."

The challenge to be in the moment is the greatest challenge we face. We will always fall short of the mark. Parenting is a spiritual experience, to which Kelly Wendorf alludes. Fathering is no less spiritual. Cliff Richard summed it up well, "The only way out is the only way in and it's you!" What more can I say?

Lovework

For us men, one of the hardest things to do is to be in the moment because we are usually thinking of the next moment. For our children, the next moment is too far away.

Find your children's moments, and live in them with them for as long as you can. You will bring life to your children.

Yours for presence based parenting
Warwick Marsh

Fatherhood Foundation
PO Box 542
UNANDERRA NSW 2526

Ph: 02 4272 6677
Fax: 02 4272 6680

Email: info@fatherhood.org.au

Web: www.fatherhood.org.au