A friend recently said to me, "Pete why are you so hard on people at times when they are going through a crisis?" I pondered on the answer for a moment.

What came to me was another question:
"When do we move from being victimised, to being a victim and to moving forward?"

When I first separated, my world crumbled, I cried for 3 weeks solid. I would be at work (I was a mental health nurse) hearing other people's problems. My anxiety levels were through the roof. I was not coping at all. How was I expected to help other people when I couldn't help myself?

I was entering a world in which I felt I did not have any control over. My life, as I knew it, was gone. Over. Kaput. How could this be? Only 6 weeks earlier I celebrated Christmas with my family opening presents and cutting the turkey. Now I realise I was the turkey baster.

It's the shock that floors you. It's hard to make sense of something that doesn't make sense (If that makes sense). (Joke). And the fear and anxiety is overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning in my emotions. Sad one minute, happy the next, then depressed. All in a single day.

What followed was the feeling of being victimised: lawyers making accusations, Child Support giving me a hard time, family and friends colluding with me and my ex. Things were going well until people who didn't have a clue started butting in with what they thought was good advice for my ex and I. Saying I was hard done by. Poor me. Poor little "ol"me. When well- meaning friends agree with you it simply keeps you in the same frame of mind as a victim. Also when you find other people that are in the same boat the old saying goes, "Misery loves company". So you "stay stuck".

What changed for me was getting the right information and empowering myself. Being in a vulnerable state and in fear at the time, led me to wrong paths. Lawyers, playing the game. My ex and I fighting over the tiniest thing. I felt at the mercy of everything and everyone else. So I stopped playing the game and this stopped feeding the fire.

In an earlier article for the Fatherhood Foundation I documented the '3 Stages of Divorce and Separation'. And I think it's an important point to reiterate.

1: Initial Stage:
Includes feelings of loss, grief, anger, vindictiveness, shock, feeling devalued, feeling out of control, denial, skewed/almost delusional thinking, paranoia, hopelessness and helplessness, some suicidal thoughts, preoccupation with thoughts, (ruminating- thinking about things over and over) anxiety, anticipatory grief (of potential loss).

2: Power Struggle Stage:
Feeling at the mercy of your ex partner. Feeling at the mercy of 'The System', increased financial strain, increased destructive behaviours, victimisation, isolation, strong suicidal thoughts, extreme negative feelings, "How am I going to get through this?", "Is this going to end?", acrimony, derogatory thoughts ('I am good for nothing' etc), bargaining, depression, increased suicidal thoughts,

3: Moving Forward Stage:
Acceptance, reconnection, new partner? and new lives, ability to see a future, hope, positive thoughts, amicability, increased closeness with loved ones, contentment.

Moving through these stages and being able to identify them allows you to go from victimised to victim to empowered.

Get the right information.
Take a lot of advice with a grain of salt. (Have a good look at what their life is like. You wouldn't take parenting advice from somebody who doesn't have kids would you?)

Get to know the processes of divorce such as family law.
Surround yourself with positive people.

So this is what I do. Empower people to make positive change and provide some tools that help you move forward.

My ex-partner and I get along well now. We talked about the trauma of separating and both agreed that we had lots of people who in their infinite wisdom gave us the wrong advice.

Many thanks
Peter Nowosielski

GETTING OVER IT
SEPARATION TRANSITION SERVICES
www.gettingoverit.com.au

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