Three Cures for a Boring Marriage

Stephen W. Frueh PhD
Fatherhood Foundation Newsletter - 2008

You may have thought marriage was going to be a relationship wonder, a trip to the moon, a continuous night out, stars twinkling, music playing. You may wonder why your partner is no longer fascinated with your every gesture. When you realize the hormone rush has subsided, it's time to check in and take a look at what this thing called marriage really is, and is meant to be.

Here's a beginning for any couple who desire to resurrect their enthusiasm, rediscover their fascination, open delicious conversation and begin living in the promise of marriage.

Start with a question. "If you could change anything about our marriage, what would it be?" This question cannot be used for mutual diagnosis. It doesn't ask "if you could change anything about me, what would it be?" Diagnosis is of the left brain and leads to cold analysis of each other. Diagnosis increases distance and leads to hostility. The asking of this question ought to lead to your partner's vision of a delightful marriage. It should open to your marriage dreamed. It offers the possibility of transcending the ordinary.

This question leads to a second. I ask it this way: "If I am 100% responsible for my own happiness and if the happiness, joy, and well being of this marriage is mine alone to create, where am I holding back? What can I do to bring new life into this marriage? How do I sabotage my own loving so that the 'heart life' of this marriage is diminished?"

Clearly the greatest challenge to grown ups is that of continually finding a pathway to your own loving. It is not 'whether I am loved the way I imagine I ought to be loved' question but 'do I love and is my loving clear and flowing?' This question puts the action where it belongs - on the lover, not the lovee.

The third question puts feet under the first two. "How well do I hear what my partner is telling me?" This question requires patience and trust. I ask my partner this: "do you think I listen to you?" Am I responsive to his/ her feelings/ thoughts/ imaginings - or do I simply endure, indulge or tolerate?

Responsiveness is easily confirmed. If you do not listen, or can't hear at a deep level what your partner is bringing you, every day will look a lot like yesterday. If you can, you'll begin to open new pathways to intimacy. You may have to grow up a little, learn to embrace conflict, deepen your trust, throw away your suspicions.

Creating sustainable enthusiasm for relationship is an everyday job. It means that you move your relationship up in the list of priorities - above computer games, television, busy work. Also above old wounds, slights, and the self indulgence of being a victim of your partner.

Stephen W. Frueh PhD is a speaker, coach, workshop leader and author.

He can be reached at Stephen@withtheserings.com or www.withtheserings.com